The Hymen Soliloquies

Four months ago I decided to become celibate. And it's going well. Okay, so 'well' isn't an adjective I'd use to describe my life at the moment, but it's been...interesting. Enlightening. My hymen is about to grow back, I haven't rubbed up against the dread-locked guy on the 438 bus yet, and the sex dreams … Continue reading The Hymen Soliloquies

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Punching in a Dream

Manchester popped my lap dance cherry in a Mexican cantina last week. Then the fucker broke my heart. That’s probably an exaggeration, he never really had it to break. Let’s just say that he turned from cool to cunty in just seven standard drinks and left me feeling bruised. Manchester could be a bad drunk, … Continue reading Punching in a Dream

Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Every year, on the anniversary of my divorce, I light scented candles, listen to Morrissey, cry, and play with myself. That's not true, silly. I just wanted a snappy opener. As boring as it is, I don't indulge in any bizarre, ritualistic behaviour on D-Day; but ironically, for the last two years, I have found myself on … Continue reading Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

The Sasquatch Factor Part 1

It's difficult when an anonymous blog gets read by people who know you. While I labour under the delusion that my writing can occasionally hit a level of refreshing candour, this blog has also contained the tongue-in-cheek phrase: “I have an enchanted pussy.” I cringe when people discover my writing. I have come dangerously close … Continue reading The Sasquatch Factor Part 1

The Definition of Insanity…

...is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. An incident recently happened, an incident that culminated in an email that is too hilarious not to post and poke fun of. This is what happens when you sexually reject an egomaniacal, arrogant, narcissistic, delusional depressive with a penchant for the theatrical. I … Continue reading The Definition of Insanity…

A Year Ago Today…

...my marriage ended. It ended on the anniversary of our first date. We lasted seven years to the day. Weird, huh. It's interesting getting to the one year mark and looking back. It occurred to me that perhaps I should write something, to reflect on where I was and where I am now and blah … Continue reading A Year Ago Today…

Quadratic polynomials, pre-wedding jitters and high school debate clubs

I think I'm regressing. For this post I'm cracking out the high school debate idioms like a past her prime prom queen. I am going to talk about two and a half words that MUST be stamped out. 

Pre-wedding jitters.

 I'll then go on to explain why school uniforms shouldn't be compulsory, and include some … Continue reading Quadratic polynomials, pre-wedding jitters and high school debate clubs

“Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

I have been getting back into a band that I used to listen to in my early twenties called Lacuna Coil. For those not familiar with them, I believe “chick metal” may be a pretty apt description. Just picture Evanescence, only awesome, and without the gigantic corporate cock in their mouth. I was bored at … Continue reading “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

Half Hearted

Love will fuck us all up. Not at first. At first, it puts a spit shine on the world. Everything becomes beautiful. During the first heady stages, I find that the sunsets are more vivid, the air becomes sweeter and life becomes more vibrant. It’s my experience that relationships follow a gentle curve. At first … Continue reading Half Hearted

“One should always be in love, that is the reason one should never marry.”

Marriage always felt like an ill fitting garment on me. It was too tight around the neck. The colour was wrong. It bulged and bagged in the wrong places. Marriage and I clashed. It didn't suit me.My ex was a peculiar mix of autocratic alpha male and little boy lost. We settled into a strange … Continue reading “One should always be in love, that is the reason one should never marry.”