Fucking Children

Around-about forty six days, nineteen hours, six minutes, and forty three seconds ago, my first significant relationship in a while ended. That heavily approximated yet pathetically accurate time-frame took three minutes to work out. I type at fifty words a minute- bashing away at my keyboard with my head down like a frustrated Beethoven- so … Continue reading Fucking Children

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The Hymen Soliloquies

Four months ago I decided to become celibate. And it's going well. Okay, so 'well' isn't an adjective I'd use to describe my life at the moment, but it's been...interesting. Enlightening. My hymen is about to grow back, I haven't rubbed up against the dread-locked guy on the 438 bus yet, and the sex dreams … Continue reading The Hymen Soliloquies

Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Six years ago, I went for a sales job. It was one of those abhorrent group recruitment processes where they put a room of wannabes together and assign them ridiculous tasks, ultimately causing the recruits to transform into screeching, carnivorous toddlers that tear metaphorical flesh from bone with aspiration-sharpened milk teeth. We shredded each other like a … Continue reading Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Punching in a Dream

Manchester popped my lap dance cherry in a Mexican cantina last week. Then the fucker broke my heart. That’s probably an exaggeration, he never really had it to break. Let’s just say that he turned from cool to cunty in just seven standard drinks and left me feeling bruised. Manchester could be a bad drunk, … Continue reading Punching in a Dream

“Me talk pretty one day.”

In an oestrogen laden opening sentence I can sum up my Wednesday: I got my hair done. In Mexico, it's about $50 for a full head of blonde foils and a cut. For the men that don't speak 'vanity': that's cheap. Really cheap. I went to Spanish class afterward and tried to tell my teacher about … Continue reading “Me talk pretty one day.”

Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Every year, on the anniversary of my divorce, I light scented candles, listen to Morrissey, cry, and play with myself. That's not true, silly. I just wanted a snappy opener. As boring as it is, I don't indulge in any bizarre, ritualistic behaviour on D-Day; but ironically, for the last two years, I have found myself on … Continue reading Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Rusty Butter Knives and Baby Bunny Rabbits

I’ve been writing a lot about love lately. One post seems to jump off the back of the last. What started as 5000 semi-literate words on my computer has been cut and pasted into four rambling posts that probably sound like a maudlin episode of Growing Pains where questionable wisdom is imparted with a smug, … Continue reading Rusty Butter Knives and Baby Bunny Rabbits

Graded: F+

I worry that this is going to sound like a mediocre sociology essay. One that’s handed in a week past its due date. It has a coffee stain on the top left hand corner, and a stoner named Jeffro had to peel it off his backside the morning he woke up on the kitchen floor … Continue reading Graded: F+

The Sasquatch Factor Part 2

I have found myself reading a considerable amount of literature on soulmates. Before you roll your eyes: No, I don’t believe in them. I look at soulmates like I look at Sasquatches. I would certainly like to live in a world where something like this exists, but logic and reason mean that they are relegated to the … Continue reading The Sasquatch Factor Part 2