Rant in C

This post must be prefaced by a confession that comes by way of an admission. I'm not an innocent within the realm of animal cruelty. When I was six, I had a dog named Magnum. He was this skinny, brown hybrid, and by ‘hybrid’, I mean: gorgeous, but dumb. Much like a high school P.E. … Continue reading Rant in C

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A Shitty Thing to Write About

It was a bus shelter empanada that made me break that bathroom in Cartagena. Three hours before consuming it, I was in a seedy cantina with my new friend, Atlanta: an ex-army medic and survivor of the Fort Hood massacre. Atlanta’s PTSD had pushed him to the north east of Colombia where he volunteered at … Continue reading A Shitty Thing to Write About

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Forehead

I’m getting dumber as I age, because in my 33rd year on this planet, I decided that it was time to inject poison into my head. Botox. God knows why. It was largely curiosity, which appears to be the driving force behind my every impetuous decision. And you should know that the word ‘largely’ is … Continue reading Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Forehead

Cropdusting Hipsters

It all started when I farted in yoga. It happened once, twice, three times a lady flatulist. Not many girls own up to a fart, so at first I pretended that the pop was simply a wayward hip joint being wrenched from its socket like a newly-weaned, puppy farm kelpie. It kept happening though: every class I'd cropdust … Continue reading Cropdusting Hipsters

Fleurgen the Stereo Muppet

Six months ago I bought an $800 car- a dusty red Charade manufactured back when Paul Keating was Prime Minister. I dubiously christened her “Cherry Bomb”. She was bought from a fellow in Darlington. From there, Cherry travelled nine kilometres before having a hot flush and overheating on a busy road, ultimately forcing me to … Continue reading Fleurgen the Stereo Muppet

A Post About a Threesome…

Ha! I've busted you, you perverted little sausage. This isn't a story about a threesome at all. I've told a lie in a blatant ploy for attention that stops just shy of 'tawdry' by my omission of the word "lesbian". My salacious title is just pandering to the voyeur in all of us. It's my … Continue reading A Post About a Threesome…

Happy New Year from Playa del Carmen

I don’t think I like Playa del Carmen. There. I feel better now. It’s not Mexico. Well, technically it is, and I’m probably sounding incredibly conceited and elitist right now, but Playa is a shiny tourist hub where the drinks are overpriced, the stores are designer branded, the locals speak American-accented English, and the food is … Continue reading Happy New Year from Playa del Carmen

Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Six years ago, I went for a sales job. It was one of those abhorrent group recruitment processes where they put a room of wannabes together and assign them ridiculous tasks, ultimately causing the recruits to transform into screeching, carnivorous toddlers that tear metaphorical flesh from bone with aspiration-sharpened milk teeth. We shredded each other like a … Continue reading Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Sufferin’ Succotash

As I write this, I’ve been in Puerto Escondido for nearly three weeks. This beautiful beach side town has made me it’s unintentional prisoner as I wait to receive a package from Australia. I underestimated Mexican postal services. I foolishly thought that an express post package that should arrive overseas in three business days would … Continue reading Sufferin’ Succotash

“Me talk pretty one day.”

In an oestrogen laden opening sentence I can sum up my Wednesday: I got my hair done. In Mexico, it's about $50 for a full head of blonde foils and a cut. For the men that don't speak 'vanity': that's cheap. Really cheap. I went to Spanish class afterward and tried to tell my teacher about … Continue reading “Me talk pretty one day.”