The Hymen Soliloquies

Four months ago I decided to become celibate. And it's going well. Okay, so 'well' isn't an adjective I'd use to describe my life at the moment, but it's been...interesting. Enlightening. My hymen is about to grow back, I haven't rubbed up against the dread-locked guy on the 438 bus yet, and the sex dreams … Continue reading The Hymen Soliloquies

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Sharpening claws with a Swiss army knife

Switzerland was a girl that you simply couldn’t feel neutral about. Ha! See what I did there? Don’t get me wrong, she was quite friendly; but she was also a European princess, the only daughter of rich parents, who would frequently say offensive, ignorant and moderately hilarious things, then chastise you in a prim voice (“You have … Continue reading Sharpening claws with a Swiss army knife

Watch out where the huskies go…

A Colombian coke binge seemed like a good idea at the time. Don't judge that statement. I don’t actually do drugs in Australia, you know. She adds defensively. Don’t get me wrong: I have. On many occasions. The majority of my university years were spent in a purple haze. My memories of that time are … Continue reading Watch out where the huskies go…

The Panamanian Pirate Story: Guns, Guts and Bellies Full of Rum

It took Panama City 67 minutes to rob me. Yes. Rob. Again. I know, I know. It’s kind of sucky being known as ‘The girl who got robbed’ in hostels. I’m getting good at being mugged, though. Not a tear was shed and I could even crack bad jokes to fellow travellers later that evening. … Continue reading The Panamanian Pirate Story: Guns, Guts and Bellies Full of Rum

Happy New Year from Playa del Carmen

I don’t think I like Playa del Carmen. There. I feel better now. It’s not Mexico. Well, technically it is, and I’m probably sounding incredibly conceited and elitist right now, but Playa is a shiny tourist hub where the drinks are overpriced, the stores are designer branded, the locals speak American-accented English, and the food is … Continue reading Happy New Year from Playa del Carmen

Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Six years ago, I went for a sales job. It was one of those abhorrent group recruitment processes where they put a room of wannabes together and assign them ridiculous tasks, ultimately causing the recruits to transform into screeching, carnivorous toddlers that tear metaphorical flesh from bone with aspiration-sharpened milk teeth. We shredded each other like a … Continue reading Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Punching in a Dream

Manchester popped my lap dance cherry in a Mexican cantina last week. Then the fucker broke my heart. That’s probably an exaggeration, he never really had it to break. Let’s just say that he turned from cool to cunty in just seven standard drinks and left me feeling bruised. Manchester could be a bad drunk, … Continue reading Punching in a Dream

Terror at 10,000 feet

I dropped my iPhone in the toilet. Yep, John West decided to go fishing for some brown trout. Seeing my brand new phone at the bottom of the loo didn’t bother me for two reasons- the first being that I’d dropped it on the way down, so it was only marinading in filthy Mexican toilet water instead … Continue reading Terror at 10,000 feet

Sufferin’ Succotash

As I write this, I’ve been in Puerto Escondido for nearly three weeks. This beautiful beach side town has made me it’s unintentional prisoner as I wait to receive a package from Australia. I underestimated Mexican postal services. I foolishly thought that an express post package that should arrive overseas in three business days would … Continue reading Sufferin’ Succotash