The Hymen Soliloquies

Four months ago I decided to become celibate. And it's going well. Okay, so 'well' isn't an adjective I'd use to describe my life at the moment, but it's been...interesting. Enlightening. My hymen is about to grow back, I haven't rubbed up against the dread-locked guy on the 438 bus yet, and the sex dreams … Continue reading The Hymen Soliloquies

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Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Six years ago, I went for a sales job. It was one of those abhorrent group recruitment processes where they put a room of wannabes together and assign them ridiculous tasks, ultimately causing the recruits to transform into screeching, carnivorous toddlers that tear metaphorical flesh from bone with aspiration-sharpened milk teeth. We shredded each other like a … Continue reading Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Every year, on the anniversary of my divorce, I light scented candles, listen to Morrissey, cry, and play with myself. That's not true, silly. I just wanted a snappy opener. As boring as it is, I don't indulge in any bizarre, ritualistic behaviour on D-Day; but ironically, for the last two years, I have found myself on … Continue reading Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Stranger than truth

I've swore off internet dating.For the thirteenth time.I wasn't ecstatic at the thought of returning to Plenty of Fish, but a dry fortnight turned into a dry month that turned into dirty dreams about the cute butcher with shoulders like a Frigidaire and, since I was coming dangerously close to dry humping a random stranger, … Continue reading Stranger than truth

The Definition of Insanity…

...is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. An incident recently happened, an incident that culminated in an email that is too hilarious not to post and poke fun of. This is what happens when you sexually reject an egomaniacal, arrogant, narcissistic, delusional depressive with a penchant for the theatrical. I … Continue reading The Definition of Insanity…

One Night in Bangkok

I had been in Bangkok for one hour when I was propositioned for a threesome. Do we want to hear this story? Yes? Let me back up and explain. I was looking forward to Bangkok- it felt like a bit of civilisation. Cambodia had given me two solid weeks of cold showers (bearable, except when … Continue reading One Night in Bangkok

Romance Wrapped in Masturbation References

I am a single lady, which I am fine with in a, now put your hands up, oh oh oh, kind of way. There are upsides to being single. It affords me time to write. My spare time is spent busily weaving blankets of bad grammar and adult themes. I wrap these blankets around clumsily … Continue reading Romance Wrapped in Masturbation References

An open letter on Internet dating…

Dear Mr Cokehead, I write this letter to ask you nicely and civilly to stop contacting me. Your texts are most unwelcome, albeit amusing, and the constant images of your flaccid little penis has left me with enough material to start my own porn site. While it is fantastic to hear that you have such … Continue reading An open letter on Internet dating…