Fucking Children

Around-about forty six days, nineteen hours, six minutes, and forty three seconds ago, my first significant relationship in a while ended. That heavily approximated yet pathetically accurate time-frame took three minutes to work out. I type at fifty words a minute- bashing away at my keyboard with my head down like a frustrated Beethoven- so … Continue reading Fucking Children

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Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Six years ago, I went for a sales job. It was one of those abhorrent group recruitment processes where they put a room of wannabes together and assign them ridiculous tasks, ultimately causing the recruits to transform into screeching, carnivorous toddlers that tear metaphorical flesh from bone with aspiration-sharpened milk teeth. We shredded each other like a … Continue reading Oh, *nose boop* you humans.

Punching in a Dream

Manchester popped my lap dance cherry in a Mexican cantina last week. Then the fucker broke my heart. That’s probably an exaggeration, he never really had it to break. Let’s just say that he turned from cool to cunty in just seven standard drinks and left me feeling bruised. Manchester could be a bad drunk, … Continue reading Punching in a Dream

Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Every year, on the anniversary of my divorce, I light scented candles, listen to Morrissey, cry, and play with myself. That's not true, silly. I just wanted a snappy opener. As boring as it is, I don't indulge in any bizarre, ritualistic behaviour on D-Day; but ironically, for the last two years, I have found myself on … Continue reading Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Graded: F+

I worry that this is going to sound like a mediocre sociology essay. One that’s handed in a week past its due date. It has a coffee stain on the top left hand corner, and a stoner named Jeffro had to peel it off his backside the morning he woke up on the kitchen floor … Continue reading Graded: F+

Stranger than truth

I've swore off internet dating.For the thirteenth time.I wasn't ecstatic at the thought of returning to Plenty of Fish, but a dry fortnight turned into a dry month that turned into dirty dreams about the cute butcher with shoulders like a Frigidaire and, since I was coming dangerously close to dry humping a random stranger, … Continue reading Stranger than truth

The Definition of Insanity…

...is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. An incident recently happened, an incident that culminated in an email that is too hilarious not to post and poke fun of. This is what happens when you sexually reject an egomaniacal, arrogant, narcissistic, delusional depressive with a penchant for the theatrical. I … Continue reading The Definition of Insanity…

He’s cute like a frog.

I do a lot of stupid shit when I’m drunk. A few months ago I placed a restriction on myself: it’s fine to get mildly tiddled with friends and make devastatingly clever and funny insights about human nature at achingly hip bars that none of us have any business being in, but it’s not okay … Continue reading He’s cute like a frog.

Getting Your Cheek Licked in Amsterdam

So...I met a guy. I hadn't intended to. I had just arrived in Amsterdam and was happily watching ridiculously attractive men speed past on bicycles. Gorgeous Dutch guys litter the streets there, like an Armani catalog has spilled onto the pavement. They are so good looking that they are actively intimidating. Many an hour would … Continue reading Getting Your Cheek Licked in Amsterdam

Every Girl needs Guy Friends

I initially submitted this to Women on the Fence, [she grumbles] and I really hope that you like it more than they did [she exclaims feebly]. Having close male friends in your life is a blessing. Males can give you a unique perspective on life and relationships, and they will tell you the five words … Continue reading Every Girl needs Guy Friends