The Hymen Soliloquies

Four months ago I decided to become celibate. And it's going well. Okay, so 'well' isn't an adjective I'd use to describe my life at the moment, but it's been...interesting. Enlightening. My hymen is about to grow back, I haven't rubbed up against the dread-locked guy on the 438 bus yet, and the sex dreams … Continue reading The Hymen Soliloquies

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Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Every year, on the anniversary of my divorce, I light scented candles, listen to Morrissey, cry, and play with myself. That's not true, silly. I just wanted a snappy opener. As boring as it is, I don't indulge in any bizarre, ritualistic behaviour on D-Day; but ironically, for the last two years, I have found myself on … Continue reading Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

The Sasquatch Factor Part 2

I have found myself reading a considerable amount of literature on soulmates. Before you roll your eyes: No, I don’t believe in them. I look at soulmates like I look at Sasquatches. I would certainly like to live in a world where something like this exists, but logic and reason mean that they are relegated to the … Continue reading The Sasquatch Factor Part 2

The Sasquatch Factor Part 1

It's difficult when an anonymous blog gets read by people who know you. While I labour under the delusion that my writing can occasionally hit a level of refreshing candour, this blog has also contained the tongue-in-cheek phrase: “I have an enchanted pussy.” I cringe when people discover my writing. I have come dangerously close … Continue reading The Sasquatch Factor Part 1

The Definition of Insanity…

...is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. An incident recently happened, an incident that culminated in an email that is too hilarious not to post and poke fun of. This is what happens when you sexually reject an egomaniacal, arrogant, narcissistic, delusional depressive with a penchant for the theatrical. I … Continue reading The Definition of Insanity…

He’s cute like a frog.

I do a lot of stupid shit when I’m drunk. A few months ago I placed a restriction on myself: it’s fine to get mildly tiddled with friends and make devastatingly clever and funny insights about human nature at achingly hip bars that none of us have any business being in, but it’s not okay … Continue reading He’s cute like a frog.

A Year Ago Today…

...my marriage ended. It ended on the anniversary of our first date. We lasted seven years to the day. Weird, huh. It's interesting getting to the one year mark and looking back. It occurred to me that perhaps I should write something, to reflect on where I was and where I am now and blah … Continue reading A Year Ago Today…

Meryl Streep’s Skeleton

I have a confession to make. I have tried Internet dating. I know, shitty confession. That statement could have been followed up with something sordid: I have a confession to make: I have a wrap me in glad-wrap and tie me to the clothesline fetish. I have a confession to make: when I get sad, … Continue reading Meryl Streep’s Skeleton

Half Hearted

Love will fuck us all up. Not at first. At first, it puts a spit shine on the world. Everything becomes beautiful. During the first heady stages, I find that the sunsets are more vivid, the air becomes sweeter and life becomes more vibrant. It’s my experience that relationships follow a gentle curve. At first … Continue reading Half Hearted

“One should always be in love, that is the reason one should never marry.”

Marriage always felt like an ill fitting garment on me. It was too tight around the neck. The colour was wrong. It bulged and bagged in the wrong places. Marriage and I clashed. It didn't suit me.My ex was a peculiar mix of autocratic alpha male and little boy lost. We settled into a strange … Continue reading “One should always be in love, that is the reason one should never marry.”