Trawling Tinder

I've never had a good experience on Tinder. And yet, like a woman trapped in a co-dependant union, I keep going back. Because Tinder is fucking hilarious. Pockets of humanity lurk on there and trawling Tinder freaks has become a perfectly acceptable way to spend my weekend. He Gives Good Head Take this guy: Check out … Continue reading Trawling Tinder

Advertisements

A Post About a Threesome…

Ha! I've busted you, you perverted little sausage. This isn't a story about a threesome at all. I've told a lie in a blatant ploy for attention that stops just shy of 'tawdry' by my omission of the word "lesbian". My salacious title is just pandering to the voyeur in all of us. It's my … Continue reading A Post About a Threesome…

The Hymen Soliloquies

Four months ago I decided to become celibate. And it's going well. Okay, so 'well' isn't an adjective I'd use to describe my life at the moment, but it's been...interesting. Enlightening. My hymen is about to grow back, I haven't rubbed up against the dread-locked guy on the 438 bus yet, and the sex dreams … Continue reading The Hymen Soliloquies

Punching in a Dream

Manchester popped my lap dance cherry in a Mexican cantina last week. Then the fucker broke my heart. That’s probably an exaggeration, he never really had it to break. Let’s just say that he turned from cool to cunty in just seven standard drinks and left me feeling bruised. Manchester could be a bad drunk, … Continue reading Punching in a Dream

Terror at 10,000 feet

I dropped my iPhone in the toilet. Yep, John West decided to go fishing for some brown trout. Seeing my brand new phone at the bottom of the loo didn’t bother me for two reasons- the first being that I’d dropped it on the way down, so it was only marinading in filthy Mexican toilet water instead … Continue reading Terror at 10,000 feet

Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Every year, on the anniversary of my divorce, I light scented candles, listen to Morrissey, cry, and play with myself. That's not true, silly. I just wanted a snappy opener. As boring as it is, I don't indulge in any bizarre, ritualistic behaviour on D-Day; but ironically, for the last two years, I have found myself on … Continue reading Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

The Adventures of CC and John West

Day of the Dead Sunday night, I found myself in the middle of a Day of the Dead parade, hurriedly looking over my left shoulder, with a pink iPhone shoved in my underpants. Yes. In my undies. Down the front. It's a sentence that will stop anybody from borrowing my phone ever again. Unfortunately for … Continue reading The Adventures of CC and John West

The Definition of Insanity…

...is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. An incident recently happened, an incident that culminated in an email that is too hilarious not to post and poke fun of. This is what happens when you sexually reject an egomaniacal, arrogant, narcissistic, delusional depressive with a penchant for the theatrical. I … Continue reading The Definition of Insanity…

He’s cute like a frog.

I do a lot of stupid shit when I’m drunk. A few months ago I placed a restriction on myself: it’s fine to get mildly tiddled with friends and make devastatingly clever and funny insights about human nature at achingly hip bars that none of us have any business being in, but it’s not okay … Continue reading He’s cute like a frog.

Dear Yoko…

KITCHEN PIECE Hang a canvas on a wall. Throw all the leftovers you have in the kitchen that day on the canvas. You may prepare special food for the piece. 1960. Winter. I never really had an opinion about Yoko Ono. Until I saw her exhibition. Now I hate her. I despise her for the … Continue reading Dear Yoko…