Rant in C

This post must be prefaced by a confession that comes by way of an admission. I'm not an innocent within the realm of animal cruelty. When I was six, I had a dog named Magnum. He was this skinny, brown hybrid, and by ‘hybrid’, I mean: gorgeous, but dumb. Much like a high school P.E. … Continue reading Rant in C

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Stairway to Hell

8am: I’m holding onto a vine, hanging from a mountain, covered in dirt, wondering what the fuck I’m doing with my life. The vine snaps and I slide through the mud. My boyfriend reflexively catches a strap on my grey Herschel backpack as I pass. This’ll be the second time he’s saved me. Or maybe … Continue reading Stairway to Hell

Trawling Tinder

I've never had a good experience on Tinder. And yet, like a woman trapped in a co-dependant union, I keep going back. Because Tinder is fucking hilarious. Pockets of humanity lurk on there and trawling Tinder freaks has become a perfectly acceptable way to spend my weekend. He Gives Good Head Take this guy: Check out … Continue reading Trawling Tinder

A Shitty Thing to Write About

It was a bus shelter empanada that made me break that bathroom in Cartagena. Three hours before consuming it, I was in a seedy cantina with my new friend, Atlanta: an ex-army medic and survivor of the Fort Hood massacre. Atlanta’s PTSD had pushed him to the north east of Colombia where he volunteered at … Continue reading A Shitty Thing to Write About

Cropdusting Hipsters

It all started when I farted in yoga. It happened once, twice, three times a lady flatulist. Not many girls own up to a fart, so at first I pretended that the pop was simply a wayward hip joint being wrenched from its socket like a newly-weaned, puppy farm kelpie. It kept happening though: every class I'd cropdust … Continue reading Cropdusting Hipsters

Sufferin’ Succotash

As I write this, I’ve been in Puerto Escondido for nearly three weeks. This beautiful beach side town has made me it’s unintentional prisoner as I wait to receive a package from Australia. I underestimated Mexican postal services. I foolishly thought that an express post package that should arrive overseas in three business days would … Continue reading Sufferin’ Succotash

Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Every year, on the anniversary of my divorce, I light scented candles, listen to Morrissey, cry, and play with myself. That's not true, silly. I just wanted a snappy opener. As boring as it is, I don't indulge in any bizarre, ritualistic behaviour on D-Day; but ironically, for the last two years, I have found myself on … Continue reading Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

The Adventures of CC and John West

Day of the Dead Sunday night, I found myself in the middle of a Day of the Dead parade, hurriedly looking over my left shoulder, with a pink iPhone shoved in my underpants. Yes. In my undies. Down the front. It's a sentence that will stop anybody from borrowing my phone ever again. Unfortunately for … Continue reading The Adventures of CC and John West

Death’s Door

I nearly stepped on a dead bird the other night. I wasn't paying attention. I had trudged downstairs into the cold to buy toothpaste,when I saw it laying headfirst in the corner of my apartment block. A magpie. It's distinctive black and white tail still ruffling in the breeze. I did what any normal Sydneysider … Continue reading Death’s Door

The Definition of Insanity…

...is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. An incident recently happened, an incident that culminated in an email that is too hilarious not to post and poke fun of. This is what happens when you sexually reject an egomaniacal, arrogant, narcissistic, delusional depressive with a penchant for the theatrical. I … Continue reading The Definition of Insanity…