Trawling Tinder

I've never had a good experience on Tinder. And yet, like a woman trapped in a co-dependant union, I keep going back. Because Tinder is fucking hilarious. Pockets of humanity lurk on there and trawling Tinder freaks has become a perfectly acceptable way to spend my weekend. He Gives Good Head Take this guy: Check out … Continue reading Trawling Tinder

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Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Every year, on the anniversary of my divorce, I light scented candles, listen to Morrissey, cry, and play with myself. That's not true, silly. I just wanted a snappy opener. As boring as it is, I don't indulge in any bizarre, ritualistic behaviour on D-Day; but ironically, for the last two years, I have found myself on … Continue reading Kind-of, Almost Two Years Ago Today

Rusty Butter Knives and Baby Bunny Rabbits

I’ve been writing a lot about love lately. One post seems to jump off the back of the last. What started as 5000 semi-literate words on my computer has been cut and pasted into four rambling posts that probably sound like a maudlin episode of Growing Pains where questionable wisdom is imparted with a smug, … Continue reading Rusty Butter Knives and Baby Bunny Rabbits

Graded: F+

I worry that this is going to sound like a mediocre sociology essay. One that’s handed in a week past its due date. It has a coffee stain on the top left hand corner, and a stoner named Jeffro had to peel it off his backside the morning he woke up on the kitchen floor … Continue reading Graded: F+

The Sasquatch Factor Part 2

I have found myself reading a considerable amount of literature on soulmates. Before you roll your eyes: No, I don’t believe in them. I look at soulmates like I look at Sasquatches. I would certainly like to live in a world where something like this exists, but logic and reason mean that they are relegated to the … Continue reading The Sasquatch Factor Part 2

The Sasquatch Factor Part 1

It's difficult when an anonymous blog gets read by people who know you. While I labour under the delusion that my writing can occasionally hit a level of refreshing candour, this blog has also contained the tongue-in-cheek phrase: “I have an enchanted pussy.” I cringe when people discover my writing. I have come dangerously close … Continue reading The Sasquatch Factor Part 1

Stranger than truth

I've swore off internet dating.For the thirteenth time.I wasn't ecstatic at the thought of returning to Plenty of Fish, but a dry fortnight turned into a dry month that turned into dirty dreams about the cute butcher with shoulders like a Frigidaire and, since I was coming dangerously close to dry humping a random stranger, … Continue reading Stranger than truth

The Definition of Insanity…

...is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. An incident recently happened, an incident that culminated in an email that is too hilarious not to post and poke fun of. This is what happens when you sexually reject an egomaniacal, arrogant, narcissistic, delusional depressive with a penchant for the theatrical. I … Continue reading The Definition of Insanity…

My Fellow F*** Ups

I periodically look ridiculous while travelling. I have spoken about weeing on train platforms, embarassing myself in Berlin, and eating butter. I'm not a complete fuck up, I feel I should point that out. I'm running on equal parts awesome for this trip. But the stories where I bliss out, stay in beautiful places full … Continue reading My Fellow F*** Ups

Getting Your Cheek Licked in Amsterdam

So...I met a guy. I hadn't intended to. I had just arrived in Amsterdam and was happily watching ridiculously attractive men speed past on bicycles. Gorgeous Dutch guys litter the streets there, like an Armani catalog has spilled onto the pavement. They are so good looking that they are actively intimidating. Many an hour would … Continue reading Getting Your Cheek Licked in Amsterdam